My ponderings on SOLITUDE

my ponderings on solitude - lets walk and talk blog

The most recent, fancy word I learned was called “recluse.” It meant ‘a person who lives a solitary life and tends to avoid other people’. Mm, feels so satisfying to find yet another word that could describe me.

My most threatening fear outside of insects and reptile-y animals are ‘people.’ People as in any other living being who isn’t me. ‘We are never alone.’ ‘There is always someone who is feeling or has gone through the exact difficulty you’ve been through.’

Sayings like these were something I used to believe in but now cannot comprehend. It’s experienced in life as each day goes by. Granted there are some days when your close ones take time to appreciate something you’ve done and you feel gratified. But the other moments that eats up your mind, when people mess with you, effortlessly, are the days when you are beyond done with humanity.

Quoting Einstein, “I live in that solitude which is painful in youth but delicious in the years of maturity.” As an early teenager who liked being alone, I failed to keep the negative thoughts: ‘No one likes me’ at bay. This was loneliness. Only later did I discover solitude.

Soon enough, I loved being secluded with positive thoughts: ‘I’m too cool for others to like or even begin to understand me.’ My idea of future living is currently stolen from the novel, “The Little Prince” by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. It’s a story in which ‘The Little Prince’ who lived on an asteroid, sustaining all by himself, who later visits other neighboring asteroids (each containing only a single person) and eventually lands on Earth (a single planet containing billions of people).

My existence currently lives on this fantasy, of following no one’s ideologies but my own. The notion of co-existing with people and following the routine just to live a ‘pre-cooked’ portion of some else’s ideology on life isn’t my cup of tea. Contrary to my fantasy are some wild thoughts such as ‘No man can live as an island.’ Even I wonder, would I be truly able to make it all by myself, with not a single human around for miles? Would I be sated if I never knew what goes on in the world? Would I lose my mind eventually? These questions wouldn’t be answered unless I try it out myself. True, it is a hard decision, something that I’ve saved up for far into the future. But momentarily, taking realization breaks when the fake smiles around you are unbearable is temporal bliss.

Man is a social animal. Or was it? What I’ve deduced in my short span of 19 years of life is that the individuality of ourselves has become extinct. Human life has taken paths that the upcoming generations have blindly been following without questioning the meaning of our existence. Was every homo-sapien meant to be born and live the precedented life? Yes, the first man probably evolved from an ape. But is this is our final form of evolution or are we meant for something else? We might never know.

It takes solitude for me to think of these possibly obsolete thoughts. In solitude, I find my thoughts questioning my existence. And in solitude, I hope to try and find my answers to not just ‘Who I am’ but to ‘What I am’.

P.S. You most probably think I’m crazy. Well, you’re not wrong either. Hahaha!

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